Day 24

Peace in the Family
Luke 15:11-16
11 To illustrate the point further, Jesus told them this story: “A man had two sons. 12 The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons.
13 “A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. 14 About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. 15 He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. 16 The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.  NLT

Jesus begins His teaching with a parable about a lost sheep.  The shepherd leaves the other 99 sheep to search for the lost one.  A woman loses a coin, and she searches diligently until found.  In each case, there is a great celebration for the lost sheep and lost coin.  Such does heaven celebrate over one sinner who repents.  In this parable, a son comes to the father seeking his inheritance.  In other words, it would be like telling your dad, “I wish you were dead!”  The father grants the son his wish.  He takes the inheritance and totally blows out on the party life in a distance country.  He wanted to get as far away as possible, both physically and spiritually from the father.  He would do the direct opposite of his father’s desires.  It felt good.  The friends and good times lasted as long as the money flowed.  Once the money was gone, so were the good times.  Now, he is stuck with the pigs, hungry, and longing to eat pig pods.
Here is a lesson for families.  You search for a sheep or a coin.  You need to let a lost son find himself.  What would happen if the father sent a search party after the son while he was partying? Do you think he would come home?  If they brought him home by force, would he stay?  You cannot make a son want to come home.  You cannot make a son love a father.  I doubt there was much peace in the home between father, son and older brother.

The son woke up from the dream that became the nightmare.  He realized his state – lost, poor, dirty, and broken.  He had nothing to offer his father.  He was not seeking reinstatement as a son.  He would be content to just be a hired hand, no rights, no privileges.  He had spent the inheritance.  His father owed his nothing but contempt and shame.  The son was found.  He made the first step in the long journey home.  He set his heart and desire for the father.  The father runs to the son.  The ring comes off.  The calf is slaughtered.  The party begins.  For the son that was lost is found.  Father and son are reconciled.  The older brother is indignant.  There is no grace, only scorn.  How could the father welcome him back?  He does not deserve it.  The heart of the older brother remains at war.

I know many parents and children in pain.  John Elderidge writes about the Father’s Wound.  Many fathers wound their children, often unintentionally, yet wound them all the same.  The children can grow up with a wound never dressed or healed.  I know many fathers with the wounds of children as well.  They were good dads who loved their children.  Yet, the children chose disobedience, rebellion, and a life of addiction and deceit.

There is plenty of war within families.  There are plenty of lost children.  There are many parents still waiting, watching, and praying for the return of a child.  Peace in the family comes from hearts of obedience, honor and grace.  The son returned repentant.  His heart was turned from rebellion to obedience.  The father welcomed him home with grace and forgiveness.  The party begins.  And yet, even while the party begins, the older brother is unmoved in his heart.  There will be no peace between brothers until grace and forgiveness flows.

This story lives in the homes of millions.  It may be your story.  It was our story.  If you are a parent in pain, continue to pray, to love, to leave the door open.  If you are the lost child, is it time to return home?  Are you ready to repent?  Your parents are waiting.  If you are an older sibling, full of bitterness and resentment, can you allow the Spirit to change your heart?  Can you more from a heart at war to a heart at peace?  There is no greater peace than families at peace.   There is no greater pain than families at war.  Peace overcomes pain when we face the source of pain, see our own wounds, and find healing.  It begins by setting our hearts and desires toward the Father.  May your families choose peace.

Day 23

Peace in the Family
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  Ephesians 6:4  NASB

This instruction from Paul immediately follows the command to honor parents.  Children find it easier to honor parents that do not provoke them.  The father is mentioned intentionally.  The Father has given fathers a special place of honor, responsibility, and provision for their children.  Children long to hear words of affirmation and approval from their fathers. They long for his touches, hugs and love.  Dads play a critical role in the development of children.

Fathers are not to provoke their children to anger.  As dads, we can ride our kids, always criticizing, always pointing out the shortcomings while neglecting to say any words of encouragement or affirmation.  This behavior communicates a strong message to the child of underachieving.  The child will grow up in a performance-based relationship with dad that leads to a performance-based sense of self.  Adult children find little peace within themselves in a performance-based identify.

Fathers can do far more serious harm.  Some fathers can abuse their children, both emotionally and physically.  An abuse father will certainly pour anger and hatred into a child.  The child turns the anger either inward or outward.  Abused children often grow up to become abusers.  The cycle continues from generation to generation.  There is no peace in abusive relationships and homes.

Fathers hold a tremendous responsibility in the stewardship of words to their children.  We hold the power to build or to tear down.  We can encourage or exasperate.  Our children deserve our best.  They often receive our leftovers.  When we are tired, worn out, and grumpy, we can be short, sharp and abrasive in our speech to our wives and children.  Simple interactions can turn to conflict.  There is no peace when fathers and children have hearts at war.

As fathers, we are the ones who are the adults.  We must examine our behavior.  If we are exasperating our children, we need to change to nurture our children in the  discipline and instruction in the LORD.  Discipline is correction without anger, yelling, and abuse.  True discipline comes from a heart at peace.  The child feels love and affirmation even in the midst of correction.  The child grows into an adult who desires to honor his father and mother.  Peace permeates the home.

Day 22

Peace in the Family
Exodus 20:12
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.  NIV

Honor for father and mother is more than learning discipline as a child.  Honor to your parents extends an entire lifetime, especially in the twilight years.  As parents age, roles begin to reverse.  The parents slowly become the children and the children become the parents.  This is not always the case, but often as health and mental issues grow, so does incapacity.  There come moments of honor to parents.  Moments when a child is by the bedside in the hospital.  Moments when the home and furnishings are sold while a parent settles into a new surrounding.  Moments of embarrassment and humility, when diapers are changed and drool is wiped.  Moments when checks can no longer be written and sentences cannot be completed.

These moments will define the honor or dishonor of a father and mother.  I practice in the area of eldercare.  I have seen the dishonor of elder abuse, physically, emotionally, and financially.  Very sad.  I have seen the tremendous love and honor for a child to a parent as well.  I have seen sacrifice of time and resources to care for parents by their children.  I have seen the honor of a parent’s wish even when the child did not see any logic.  When parents are honored, often a deep peace permeates a family.  Children rally around a parent.  There are no regrets.  Apologies are made and accepted.  Parents pass in peace.  Children can go forward in peace.

Families of peace honor fathers and mothers.  And when we honor parents, the promise of God is “you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.”  The honor of parents lays a foundation for peace in communities.  Boundaries are learned and kept.  The elderly are honored and cherished.  People live in peace in such a society.  In one sentence, a command of God can create a culture of peace.  That should not surprise us.

Day 21

Peace with Family

Exodus 20:12
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.  NIV

A major building block of peace is respect and honor.  The entire chain of command in the military is built upon it.  Respect and honor define the ability to trust in the decision of a superior even when one may question the outcome.  Without this trust, there would be chaos, not peace.

I am not advocating a militaristic approach to parenting.  I am advocating pursuing respect and honor in relationships between parents and children.  So, what does that look like?  Let’s begin with the relationship when children are young.

The Bible speaks extensively about the need for discipline in the life of a child.  “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”  Proverbs 22:6.  We all need boundaries, especially children.  As children learn to respect boundaries, they learn to respect parents, and later on, others in authority.  Any parent has seen the defiant look of a two year old begging the question, “So what are you going to do about my disobedience?”  This is the moment of discipline, honor and respect . . . the moment of training a child in the way he/she will go.  These moments will continue throughout childhood and into adolescence.  Respect for boundaries, in the lives of others as well as society as a whole leads to lives of peace and communities of peace.

Do you want peace in your family?  It all begins with training moments of embedding respect and honor for parents.

Day 20

Peace with a Spouse
I Peter 3:7
In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.   NLT

A husband honors a wife by loving her.  A wife should never question if she is first place in her husband’s life next to God.  A man marries a woman.  He does not marry a job, a sports team, a golf course, or a fishing pole.  A wife will not be resentful about any of those things if she feels secure and safe in the love of the husband.  She will be at peace and rest in her husband’s love.  I once married a couple where the man loved classic muscle cars.  He loved and cherished his car.  I told him marriage was simple.  Just treat your wife better than your car!

Unfortunately, many wives feel a distant second compared to golf, fishing, hunting, riding, television, cars or work.  When a wife is not secure in her husband’s love, she will either let him know, usually with a voice of disrespect,  or slowly whither away.  Either option breeds a continual conflict, one vocal, the other silent.  There is no peace in marriage when a woman does not feel loved.  The husband may be clueless is she suffers in silence,  He may not understand even if she screams it at him.  The husband says he loves her.  Why doesn’t she feel loved?  Because she knows other things come before her.  She is a distant second.  The answer is simple.  The husband simply needs to place the wife in first place again only after God.  And . . . demonstrate it by actions and words.  The result will be peace for both partners.

Day 19

Peace with a Spouse
I Peter 3:1-6
1 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.  NLT

The focus of this text is authority and trust.  Peter tells wives the husband will be won over by a quiet and gentle spirit, even if he is not a believer.  The real beauty that creates a peaceful marriage is a quiet and gentle spirit.  No yelling.  No nagging.  No constant drip of criticism.  Quiet and gentle wins the day, wins the husband, and creates the peace.

I know wives who try to change their husbands.  They feel the right pressure in the right place will produce the right results.  This rarely produces the outcomes desired.  Instead, the husband receives the pressure as criticism and disrespect.  He either pushes back or shuts down.  The home is full of conflict, whether open or silent, the hearts of the husband and wife are not at peace.  When the wife exhibits a quiet and gentle spirit, she can speak about a problem in such a way the husband can receive it.  Problems become resolved instead of entering the circular pattern of unending conflict.

The marriage relationship should be safe for both partners.  The wife should live without fear.  Domestic violence is a real and growing problem.  Peter is not telling wives to remain in a physically abusive relationship.  Many wives live in fear.  They don’t necessarily fear physical abuse, yet the marriage is not safe.  Wive does not feel loved.  They do not feel cherished.  They do not trust the husband, for the husband is not trustworthy.  Great marriages are safe and peaceful places for both partners.  Create safety in your marriage and you will have peace in your marriage.

Day 18

Peace with a Spouse
I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ESV

Love is not irritable or resentful.  There is no peace when a spouse is irritable or resentful.  You have heard of irritable bowel syndrome.  I know some people who suffer from irratible spouse syndrome.  They are on edge.  It takes only minor incidents to take them over the top.  The irratation can come from any place, situation or person in life.  The spouse just gets the brunt of it.  How do you become peaceful instead of irratable?  By following the steps of inner peace.  You can discover and cultivate a peaceful inner core even when the storms of life swirl around you.  You have a choice – irratation or peace.  Choose peace.

Love is not resentful.  There is no peace in resentment.  Resentment has a tap root of bitterness.  Once it sends the root deep, you will find it difficult to pull out.  Like a weed, the green, leafy part will easily dislodge leaving the long, firm root to grow again.  Things may get better between you and your spouse for a time.  The tap root of bitterness remains waiting to grow back.  If you desire long lasting peace in marriage, the bitter root of resentment must die.  The Spirit of God is capable or slaying the resentment and removing the bitterness.  Intimacy returns.  Peace overflows.  Love wins.

Want peace with your spouse?  Get rid of any irritability and resentment.

Day 17

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ESV

Love is selfless.  We can be selfish.  At the heart of conflict is at least one person who demands, insists, or digs in the heels to get his/her own way.  When two people love each other, they share, they serve, they want the best for their partners.  Love does not insist on its own way.

Do you want an amazing marriage?  Try to out serve each other.  Constantly think of the needs of the other.  Do the little things for each other.  Clean the car.  Do the dishes,  Mow the lawn.  Take out the trash.  Wash the laundry.  Make the bed.  Do things for your partner he/she normally does around the house.  If his/her love language is service, you score double!

We become selfish when tired, overworked, and under appreciated.  We have no time, energy or desire to serve our partner.  You will find it amazing how quickly energy and love returns to your relationship by just doing some small things to serve your partner.  If you allowed the relationship to deteriorate and selfishness has crept in, more time and energy will be needed to revitalize the love.  When both partners begin to serve each other again, eyes are taken off of self and placed on the spouse, where they belong.  Couples experience love and peace when continually serving each other.

Want peace with your spouse?  Get rid of selfishness and replace it with selflessness.

Day 16

I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ESV

Love is kind.  Kindness produces peace.  When a sharp word, look or voice comes from your spouse, instead of brandishing the sword in return, kindness keeps the sword in the sheath.  Partners find it difficult to escalate a conflict when one returns a critical remark with kindness.  Kindness is not conflict avoidance.  You can confront difficult topics and behavior with kind words.  In fact, when you approach the most difficult of subjects with a spouse from kindness, you most likely will be heard instead of receiving push back if spoken with a harsh and critical spirit.

Often, partners are not even aware of the tone of voice and the selection of words that instantly place the other in a defensive position.  Once spoken, a chain of interactions ensues producing a nasty conflict leaving partners at odds. A sharpness of voice and a critical spirit can be passed from generation to generation.  Children grow up hating this type of interaction between parents.  Yet, they will not recognize the same voice spoken by themselves to their spouses. A spirit of kindness breaks the generational chain of criticism.  The power of the Holy Spirit is greater than any critical spirit or bitter root.

Kindness comes from a place of inner peace.  You can return harshness with kindness when the soul and inner self rest in peace.  The stewardship of words and tone of voice can be controlled by the Holy Spirit reflecting the very character of God.  This creates more peace in your marriage.  We are human.  We will sin.  However, when partners practice kindness, both as a spiritual discipline and as a fruit of the Holy Spirit, they will experience a great deal of peace in the relationship.

Day 15

Peace with a Spouse

I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  ESV

Peace in marriage is far more than an absence of conflict.  Peace begins with cultivating a loving environment.  Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, pens an definition of love reflecting the nature and character of the Father.

Love is patient.  Think about conflicts for a moment in your marriage.  How might the conflict change or never develop with patience?  What if you paused, waited a few moments, and thought about your response before instantly returning a remark that escalates into a conflict?  That is love.  That is patience.  That creates peace.  Or, instead of making a remark because you are impatient and tired of waiting, simply took the time while waiting to read, memorize a verse, say a prayer, or do a quick chore?  I have discovered my remarks only increase the waiting.  The remarks are not well received and create tension – a lack of peace.  I can tend to make quick decisions because of my impatience.  Some of those decisions can create conflict.  Why?  I did not include Sharlyne in the decision making process.  I made it unilaterally.  There are host of decisions where this is totally acceptable.  There are other decisions this is not.  When do I not include Sharlyne, she can feel marginalized, unimportant, and disrespected.  None of those messages are loving, nor do they create peace between us.  When I do not include Sharlyne in a decision, she can feel like something is done to her instead of with her.  Nobody likes this feeling.  It creates push back or resentment.

A great practical exercise is writing down examples of impatience in your life and how it affects your marriage.  I just gave you a few from my own.  After you write them down, confess them as sin before the Father.  Seek forgiveness and invite the Holy Spirit to strengthen patience in your life.  Now, think of how you can begin changing.  How can you cultivate a spirit of patience?  Here are a few tips.

• Slow down.  Purposefully and consciously slow down.  Rushing creates impatience.  Impatience breeds a critical spirit.  A critical spirit ruins peace.

• Pause and Process before making decisions or remarks.  Engage your brain. God created it next to your mouth and ears for a reason.